My Passion for Grocery Stores

I enjoy a good grocery experience, but I have a major aversion to people. Folks in large groups and people grocery shopping are pure evil, so when you combine the two, it makes for a really bad time for me. I have to make sure I shop in the mornings, on week days- That way it's me and the old folks. (And the occasional other anti-social mom.)

One of my favorite things to do when I first get inside the store, is to choose my cart carefully. I'm not trying for the perfect cart, because they all veer to the left and clack loudly with every wheel rotation. Nope, I'm looking for the coveted abandoned grocery list. I will gladly pry eight carts apart to get to one I spy deep within the herd.

Usually the ones that are left are scrawled in shaky, ancient writing, and have the list-maker's name printed on the top. This is presumably so the shopper doesn't forget during the course of their shopping trip that they made the list, and the groceries are, indeed, for them. Or maybe this is the old people's version of a calling card, "I was here, this is what I bought, see you back at the home for Gin Rummy at 6."

Here's the one I found today:


This is even more fun when you get to try to puzzle out what they have shopped for. I've figured out much of it-

tut pest = tooth paste
2 helf milk =
sup= soup
cikn bot= chicken broth
peper blek= black pepper
tuna
bins bus= buns?
toylt peper= terlet paper
toul peppppr= paper towels
dis sop= dish soap

I would like to see an actual chicken bot, though, and most definitely a peper blek. These would be fine additions to any market. Thanks, Margaret!

A Post Full of Lists

Since we are Mr. and Mrs. Awesome, we are in the midst of getting ready to move. We're supposed to close on our house in March and we're just waiting for the official okay from our lending bank. Here is what we've learned, besides the fact that we are so not financially savvy, as a result of this process:

1. It's not very wise to buy a home right when the housing market and economy start to dip.

2. It's not very wise to buy a home that's overpriced for the area, even though you like it very, very much, and wish to live there. This will instantly label you as a Jackass.

3. Don't buy new stainless steel kitchen appliances before you sell your home, hoping to reap the rewards of a fancier looking kitchen. This just shows more financial stupidity, and that you have been brainwashed by HGTV.

4. When your realtor tells you it's time to think about a short sale, try not to jump up and down with glee. This is not referring to the length of time it will take to sell your home, rather the amount of money you will be shorting the bank upon this sale. Oops. Sorry, bank.


Here is a numbered list of the photos I took of our home for the real estate listing:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
Doesn't all the professional staging just take your breath away? Too bad the house usually looks like this:


(I wonder if my real estate photos can be construed as false advertising?)


In Closing, I would like to share with you all bits of information I have recently read on the internets: (Third list)

1. The Miniature Pinscher is a hardy little fellow, who is proud, and courageous.

2. Pick up the scissors and cut with your right hand. Use your fingers as a guide to trim the hair. (SEE FIGURES B & C) Be sure your fingers are very sharp.

3. Cookbooks are so handy when kept in the kitchen.

4. Fun for the entire family, educational, often tasty and sometimes intriguing, factory tours may constitute a day trip or a weeklong adventure.

5. Asians, as stated in many posts, are a great asset to any area.

6. Chicken legs can be really cheap.

I hope you've all learned some important lessons here today.

Surreal Driving Days

I am extremely attuned to those days where, when you are driving around, you encounter a whole lot of weird, driving-around bullshit. Like when you have to stop for 4 cars in a row, within the span of 5 minutes, who have decided to pull into alleys and back out right in front of you, so they can turn around and go the other way because they were too stupid to go the right way in the first place.

Then you finally get your kid to school (that's where we're going on this trip), and other, equally stoopid folks, stop their cars in the middle of the road to let their eight kids out for school, because it's too much work to pull over to the curb and let other people behind you go around. That's just enough to make a girl want to lob some major rotten eggs at cars.

My technique for trying to stay sane and feel the love for everyone, is to try to put myself in their shoes for a minute.

Internal Dialogue: "Okay, so maybe this person really has to pee and simply can't risk the time it takes to pull over to the curb, and plus they are half blind, so they think they are at the curb, and also the car that they stole maybe can't turn to the right, thereby making it impossible to pull over, and after peeing they have to hurry to their job where their boss with onion breath beats them with his coffee mug because of their poor eyesight and lagging performance."

Then I burst into tears and berate myself for being such an uncaring B-word, and let every car go around me until I'm the only one left parked in front of the school, pounding my fists on the steering wheel and pulling at my hair, in a feeble attempt to shock some sanity into my otherwise wretched system.

Then I pull away, sniffeling a bit, return home to clean up my house that isn't selling, and return 7 hours later to pick up F from school, and repeat the whole exhausting performance. Only this time, it's that uptight windbag who lives somewhere behind me, and gives me the old stink-eye every chance she gets. She must have a horrible, terminal disease that makes her hate people who move into her old friends' houses. Poor woman. I think I'll give her a big hug and stroke her hair lovingly next time I see her.

Sometimes I see people who have augmented their bodies or faces to the point of hilarity, and I start to wonder. I had an eating disorder in college, and never thought I was skinny enough. Despite endless exercise and near-starvation, I was sure I still had a few pounds to lose. To quote Britney Spears, "I'm not a stupid person." My brain had gone to some weird place where my ability to feel like I was in control of myself was directly related to how skinny I could make myself. This was due to me being completely overwhelmed by going away to college, and feeling unprepared and overwhelmed. But enough of my psychoses....

When I see people now who have turned themselves into puffy-lipped, tight-faced, extremely-breasted dolls, I can't help but try to figure out what they look like in real life. Then I think about all my years of hair dye and contact lenses. And oh yeah, teeth whitening. I love teeth whitening products. Sometimes it's hard to be able to objectively see your teeth anymore, to know if you've whitened too much, or if you're ready for another round. Someone needs to include a color card in the box with their product, something for us to hold up next to our teeth to let us know when to quit.

Anyway, that's my thought for the day. Happy New Year!