Due to the crap-ass economy, as many people seek to cut back on any and all expenses, I have decided to share some of my secrets for scaling back on so-called "luxury purchases." In this case, I have chosen to focus on vacations. One might argue that a vacation is necessary for the well-being of the soul, and I whole-heartedly agree. Let's explore some alternatives to a bank-busting family week in Disney World.....

1. Now that Google Earth includes the ocean, throw on your flippers, pour a Mai Tai, and do a little virtual diving! I just did it and saw a bunch of dark, murky blue- very mysterious! I'm thinking a good idea to enhance the whole experience would be to get the little fishy screen saver on your computer. There you go, Jacques Cousteau.

2. Gap now has their Spring window displays up. They are very bright and fruity, just in time to break up those winter doldrums. Why not pack a picnic lunch, jump in the family roadster, and head over to your local Gap. Each family member can then dress in the zippiest ensemble you can dream of, spread out the old blanket near the dressing rooms (in case inspiration hits and you want to swap the tangerine shorts for lime!) and feast on cold chicken drumsticks and lemonade. Tip: If a pesky store manager tries to break up your fun, pretend she's a swarm of picnic ants and swat her! Or better yet, pack the Raid!

3. Have you seen the ads for Key lime Cove? It's the huge indoor water park with the Tropical Island theme- I'm positive there are ways to sneak in there, family in tow, for some cheap, wet thrills. The best way I've come up with is to dress your kids as little toucans, throw on a few hawaiian shirts, carry some musical instruments, and saunter right past the front desk. Throw a little grin and a wave back as you pass, explaining, "We're with the band!" Then you can duck into the locker rooms, change into bathing suits, and slip and slide your way into your kids' hearts. Bonus: Moms and Dads- when you tire of the water and sense the hunger pangs coming on, scope out the nearby tables for partially consumed eats and drinks. Even the top most food in the garbage cans can't be that old... dig in and you've got your own sampler platter on the cheap!

4. Do a little camping... in your own back yard! If you're like most people, you own a few bed sheets. No need to buy a tent, tack your sheets up to the side of your garage as your shelter. This is called a lean-to, and will protect you from the elements. Now all you need is a giant bon fire, marshmallows, and sleeping bags. If you need to use the bathroom- no cheating! Walking inside wouldn't be keeping with the rugged outdoor spirit at all. Pretend your sidewalk is the path down to the latrines and cop a squat in your neighbor's yard! Don't forget to carry your flashlight. Sing camp songs until the wee hours and curl up in your lean-to with the satisfaction of enjoying a hardy adventurer's vacation. p.s: Watch out for bears! And if you live where I do, you may wake up curled around that homeless guy who walks around the neighborhood and vomits.

I hope I've inspired even the most cynical of you to open your minds and hearts to a new sort of get-away this year. Spit in the face of tradition and you may just find that you don't really need all those costly amenities to restore you to a state of relaxed vigor- just in time to go back to work and lose your job. Good luck, little vacationers!