Deadly Dinner

On occasion, I have a great and powerful urge to make a big old batch of warm, white-trash, comfort-casserole. When this mood strikes, I head for my local market-that-is-super, run straight for the soup aisle, shoving old ladies and stock boys out of my way, and grab me up an armful of the Campbell's.

Whatever else I buy is inconsequential. Chicken, mushrooms, green beans, onions; all the usual suspects are usually in there, swimming in condensed mushroom nirvana.

Then the guilts hit, and I wonder how any self-respecting, bon-bon-popping-housewife who loves her family could subject them to PARTIALLY HYDROGENATED OIL. I should start wearing the scarlet H.O. across my chest to warn the good mothers out there of my failure, and they will know to keep their children safely away from my tainted heathen.

Or wait- am I okay with the fact that my lazy ass can actually make a pseudo-real dinner, and shove some vegetables down the gullets of husband and children? These are the issues I wrestle with while (rarely) making dinner. But just as I start to rationalize my egregious errors, it gets worse.

The other night, as I pulled a casserole from the oven, I was painfully burned by the exotic juices flowing freely from the pan. I flung them with great haste away from my pained phalanges, straight into the girly-lashed eyeballs of my husband. I thought he was joking at first, as he slapped his hands over his eyes and turned away. He's prone to being a funny little monkey and pulling such pranks. Dinner goo flowed all over the top of the stove, down the front, onto the floor, and even in between the two pieces of glass on the front of the oven door.


Can you even imagine that something so vile looking can taste so good? It quelled our little hearts, filled up our bellies, and only partially hydrogenated our innards. I feel at peace for one more day, knowing that taste can overrule health in so many ways when it comes to dinner.

Why I Like House

Not mine. sillies, the show.

It's because House knows everything and every titillating mystery is tied up neatly by the end of the show.

That's all- on with your lives.

My Hubzband is Funnie.

Sometimes, people go through times that try their little minds and stretch them to the point of near-insanity. Trying to sell our stoopid house has landed Christian and me in precisely this situation. The good thing about our latest collective mental state is that we are both in the land of creating mass hilarity out of every situation, without regard to other people. It's a nice cocoon.

I present to you the email sent by my husband to our realtor yesterday. Keep in mind that this woman barely knows us, beyond the fact that we bought a house we couldn't afford, we have a bunch of "quirky" "artsy" items in our home, and I insisted on buying all new stainless steel kitchen appliances in order to sell the house for TOP DOLLAH. (Again, Designed To Sell).

Without further adieu:

Hi Ann,
Good news about the showings. I'm not a marketing genius but I play one at work. I have some ideas that I'd like to run by you regarding strategy for selling our house. These ideas have proven effective with the sale of other items in the marketplace and I'd like to simply apply them to the marketing of our home.

#1. It's Christmas time. Family, togetherness, cozy. Think Norman Rockwell. I've gone ahead and purchased a reindeer for the front step. It's in transit from Manitoba and (fingers crossed) should be delivered tomorrow by 9 am. It's coming with 5 bales of hay for feeding but you don't need to know that so never mind.

#2. The smell when you first walk in the door. We've all heard the schtick about baking bread before showings, having cookies just out of the oven, etc. I've hit a "home run" with this one. I contacted a flooring varnish company based out of Peotone called "Stickyfeet Inc.". In my dealings with them, we came up with a varnish made from cinnamon oil. I will be applying that tonight to all of the wooden floors. Dry time is only 3 hrs so we're good with that--no need to worry.

#3. Curb appeal. By analyzing current cosmetic trends out of New York, in this economic crisis it's proven that women this season are leaning towards jewel tones for make-up. In applying this trend to the housing market, just this morning I finalized a product I call " window blush" (working description--waiting to hear from patent office re: usability). It is a slightly opaque powdered "blush" in electric pink and blue that you apply to the interior side of all of the windows. First floor windows will be blue, drawing your eye up to the second floor, powdered with pink .

4. Animals. People love animals. Since you didn't play up the fact that we have a lizard as previously discussed, (I guess handshake contracts went the way of Atari) I have procured a Komodo Dragon from the wildlife preserve in Gili Motang for the next two weeks. I will have it chained next to the fireplace with plenty of raw beef so as not to tempt him with the fresh warm smell of a human hand.

5. Think walls lined with rubber gloves.

I'm confident that these simple yet effective strategies will ensure a quick sale of our property. I wasn't sure I could accomplish these in such a short timeframe, but since I did, I'd like to re-list the house at $495,000 Euros. I'm sure you'd agree.

Lastly, I want to apologize ahead of time if you feel like I've stepped on your toes at all with this. If you'd like, just bring a Santa hat for the Dragon and we'll call it even steven.

Best,
Christian.


The best part of this is that she took the time to write back:


Christian,

I don't feel you have stepped on my toes at all, in fact, I appreciate your
willingness to take the lead on these items. I have just a couple "tweeks".

1) I love the reindeer idea but I think the presentation could be enhanced with
the addition of several elves. These are hard to come by this time of the year
but given the economic slowdown I think we can borrow at least three from the
workshop until after the holidays and after that I'm sure we can get all the
elves we want.

2) The "window blush" is perfect. Drawing the eye upward is ALWAYS a good
thing. What do you think about big, really big, awnings?

3) The Komodo Dragon worries me just a bit. I know it is possible to get
salmonella posioning from iguanas but I'm not sure about Komodos. Never mind,
what's a deadly disease compared to a quick sale.

I'll let you know what the agents think and if you have any other brain storms,
please, do not hesitate to call.

Yours,

Ann

I Really Can't Believe My Knitting Talents

Feast your peepers on this action:



Wait. First check out my super-cute new haircut. Photo courtesy of F:


Don't you just think I'm the sassiest?



Okay, here's the real brilliance:



Yep, my first scarf knitted with actual needles. It's almost too much to bear, but before you die of happiness, wrap your brain around this. Being a designer, I like to think up creative new ways to use everyday objects. You know, like seeing past the fact that toilet paper rolls are nasty, painting several green, hot gluing them together, and turning them into a beautiful centerpiece.

So, um, no one could wear this as a scarf anyway. It's far too wide and really short. But here are some other ideas I came up with; it's all about taking a sticky situation and turning it around to your advantage. I learned that on Designed to Sell.






Here's my latest creation. It's totally not done yet, but it shows great promise- You likey? It's sort of conceptual- a piece that explores the crises we women face as we struggle with our bodies and issues with food.

Ways to Deal WITH STRESS

Besides typing in all capital letters, I deal with stress probably much like other people do. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Mostly because, well, we are under a lot of stress.

Without going into too much boring, violin-inspiring detail, I will say this: Send in The Clowns.

Which brings me to one of the ways I deal with stress- Besides the usual drinking too much, sleeping a lot, watching hours of House, and obsessively Facebook-ing, I tend to block out unwanted thoughts by singing parts of songs in my head. I mean, think-singing them. You couldn't possibly really sing inside your head. WHOA mind-trip....

I wouldn't mind it so much if it was music I usually listen to, or bands I am fond of, but it's always the stupidest ear-rot in the history of music.

Currently, it's "Send in the Clowns."

Why. Why would my subconscious mind do this to me? It's bad and not good. It's mean and horrid.

Now you all must suffer along with me: Please watch the video, and sing along. No, no excuses. You needn't know the words, as they fade in right when you should belt them out, harmonizing along with Judy Collins. And really, the best part of the video is the final credits. Enjoy, my little pets, and you're welcome.

Dead Body In The Freezer

Sigh. There's been a dead body in our freezer for a month, and now it's too late to bury it in the back yard. The earth is all frozen now - I guess we got distracted with readying the house for selling and forgot all about tending to the body.

Wanna see it?

Okay, lemme go grab the camera.

Awwww never mind, you yellow-bellied ninnies. You'd probably just get all squeamish anyway. Besides, if you haven't guessed yet, it's a dead lizard. Why do I get so attached to these wee monsters? That's 2 down, 1 to go- and it's weird, because I have this compulsion to keep buying anoles, knowing that I suck at caring for them. I just keep thinking I'll get better with practice, leading to a revolving door of reptiles.

My family (except little F, who has yet to develop her sense of sarcastic irony), roll their eyes at me and tolerate my pathetic ways. You'll see, family, you'll see. One day all this lizard obsession will pay off. I'm not sure how yet, but mark my words. You will rue the snarky little comments and lizard death wishes. You will realize that a girl and her lizards are a powerful force. Oh my god, maybe I'll turn into a superhero: Lizard Lady. Sweet.

Here's the coffin at least; that's worth seeing. Christian made this and it was decorated by F. It's my way of teaching her about death. I can't wait until she mixes my dead ashes with Elmers and makes a sculpture.





Oh, I have to show you the cup she was in in the freezer. Plus you can glimpse the shadow of her little foot. Klassy, huh?