My damn sister...

...decided to get all funny Friday night. We extended our warmth and hospitality, and invited her over for a delightful evening of witty repartee and merriment, and she pulls this bullshit:



Yep. She t.p.'ed the house. This was just one room- I mean Farmer can't even believe it. I can't show the rest, because our house was messy. Can't be having you cyberfreaks thinking anything is out of place here.

Do you want to see our new mirror, though? Okay, we bought this at a little shop in Oak Park, and It's my favorite thing in the world. Besides you.

Forts

I made the kick-assiest fort for F the other day, and it was up for nearly the whole week. Until I freaked out and needed the dining room table back. Not for eating at, silly. Just for cleaning up sake.


We brought down tons of blankets, pillows, stuffed animals and books. Forts make great babysitters! She was in that thing forever, and even slept in it for two nights. I was secretly proud that my 5 year old kid wasn't scared to sleep by herself in the dining room.


I'm thinking this means she's going to be a great warrior when she grows up. Or at least the first female president. Get it? Get it? That's called foreshadowing.

hour of no power

During the Chicago turn off your stupid lights hour, we thought we'd see how long we could last with just candles and polite conversation. We yanked F away from Spongebob, and tried to explain to her how we were saving the world. (She's now obsessed with saving the world, and thinks she's a superhero.)

Here's how we filled the 15 minutes that we lasted with no lights:

Merry Christmas

MARCH 22 IS NO DAY TO BE SNOWY OUT. C AND F WENT SLEDDING YESTERDAY FOR CRY EYEBALLS.


F-bomb and I participated in Easter festivities yesterday. The first stop was Buzz Cafe, to sit on the Easter Bunny's lap. Then I picked up F at her friend's house, and we hunted for Easter eggs.



It was fun wandering around some of the shops in Oak Park I hadn't been to previously - I guess that's the whole point of holiday marketing madness. By the same token, I guess that's why I like holidays. I'm not a religious person. I feel no sense of spirit when it comes to religious holidays, save for the spiritual sense of being with family. I like the drama, the chaos, the coming together, and the traditions.

With that said, Happy Easter everybody. Let's eat lots of ham and chocolate bunnies tomorrow.

An Easter Miracle

I always scoffed at the Mother Mary concrete forms and Baby Jesus grilled cheese sandwiches.... until yesterday. I played the dutiful mother and hard boiled two dozen white (not organic - *cringe*) large eggs. As per usual, upon lowering them into the pot of simmering water, a couple cracked from the shock of temperature change, and oozed out their innards.

While the wee children were creating their masterpieces from hen fruit, I plucked out a piece of boiled egg white from the colander. I'll be damned if it didn't look just like a baby chick, and I plunged it into the yellow dye. I'm thinking the chicken gods were looking favorably upon us last night, because this is a hum-damn-dinger. Check it:

Well?

By the way, F informed me this morning that she wanted to be referred to from here on out as, "Rain Goes Down". We're off to legally change her name tomorrow. Since today was her last day of school, we have to fill our time with something. Tattoos at 4:00.

Another Glamorous Development

So.....I was sittin' around the other day, flipping thru Martha Stewart. Popping some dark chocolate easter eggs into my mouth, listenin' to sum tuneage. Y'know, sorta what I do every day. Maxin' and relaxin'. Then it struck me, out of the damn blue - I should go back to school! "Oh my sweet lord!", I thought, "that's a faboo idea! Going to Esthetics school worked out so well, let's do it again!"

So I pondered and meditated, and what do you know, after about 5 whole minutes I decided on what I should study. Ladies and Germs, you are looking at (hopefully not really) the next gal to break the spell of pre-middle-aged ennui and work her brain and bank account over to receive a coveted MASTERS DEGREE. I'm not going for any old education, either. In 2 years I will possess an MFA in Stickers! Isn't it fun to design your own major? I'm positively giddy.

666666666666666666666666

Actually I'm gonna go get me a Masters in Early Childhood Education. Kids are real cute, so why not just hang out with them all day? Duh.

A Glamorous Morning

Ew. I'm sitting here with my phone held as far away from my ear as possible so I don't hear the Sprint woman breathing heavily. I've been on the line for so long with her. Telling me way too many things. Repeating herself. And breathing. God, is she running in place while she's talking to me? I think she's doing this on purpose, because it completely sucks to be a customer service representative. This is her passive agressive way of punishing people who question her - obviously I have too much time on my hands if I am calling Sprint about my cell phone bill.

In the end, I emerged victorious. I held my guns, stood my ground, didn't let that breathing woman push me around like a commoner. And I won. I was credited over six dollars to my account for an erroneous charge. Success is so sweet. Then I canceled all my texting and picture abilities and the stupid equipment protection charge and I will be saving a whopping $22 a month.

Hot damn. Nobody text me. Good bye.

A New Development

We were looking at this site:

deep sea

And I told F she had to be a deep sea biologist when she grows up, but she said she wants to be a bomb. Cool site, ain't it? I wonder if I've mentioned here yet that I have recurring dreams of underwater creatures. They go on forever and they're so ethereal and wonderful.

Oh, hey, little buddy! Seeeee yewwwww iin meye dreeeeemz.

Well, Christian and I are weighing our options here. We basically can't afford to live in our stupid house, so I'm taking F out of school at the end of this month. That'll save us some fat cash and we'll all live happily ever after. That means I'll be spending lots and lots of quality time with me kid. That means that this bloggedy blog will turn into what she and I do together every breathtaking moment of every enthralling day. Lucky bitches. What do you want us to do first?

We were thinking of honing our skills to become major grifters. Currently we're holding auditions for one-eyed men to help us pull off the old glim-dropper scam. Watch your backs, suckers.

"I jammed the roscoe in his button and said, 'Close your yap, bo, or I squirt metal.'"

Black Cloud

I promise I'll stop being all depressed and creepy after this post:

1. I've been sick for a week and a half. Green items continuously blow out of my nasal passages.
2. I've had a killer canker sore for a week. I can't stop looking at it, and I can't stop touching it with my tongue. It makes me look like I have a big old wad of tobacco in my lower lip.
3. When Christian left the house yesterday, he pulled the door handle right off the door. At first I thought it was an accident, but I quickly realized he's trying to keep me imprisoned here, so he need not share me with anyone. Jeez - way to be a controlling husband, C.
4. This morning I was so pleased with myself that I was able to pull the back door shut. Then I stared at it in horror when I realized there was no handle to open it with. Oh yeah, and I had locked the front door with the open-from-the-inside-only-lock. Huh.
5. I slammed my finger in the car door while dropping off F at school.
6. As I pulled away from F's school, I saw a college student walking onto the campus. He had no coat nor hat nor gloves, despite the 23 yucky degree air. He DID, however sport a bright-ass pink button down shirt and a bright-ass grape purple cardigan over it.
7. After I stabbed him, I drove to the hardware store and bought these:




That's 6 beautiful dollars that saved me from hiring a locksmith. Sweet Lord, needle nose pliers come in handy. I'm thinking I might knit up a holster and carry them with me everywhere I go. Can you imagine how cool it would be to be able to twist and grip your way out of every little sticky situation.Not to mention, they make a wonderful weapon. Plus, if I saw a kid with a loose tooth somewhere, I could just yank it right out. And I wouldn't have to actually tough anything with my hands, therefore keeping me germ-free. No more colds!

*Sigh* See what happens when you can turn a bad situation around and make it positive? DO YOU?

Good. Now looky here. Christian's mom gave me these to sell on eBay, but I can't stop photographing them. (Read the captions in a falsetto, English accent):

"My lord shows you favor!"

"What monstrous impertinence, take care what you say! "

"A snake will shed his colour, But not his evil nature, So You, my dear, be grateful I don't scratch out your eyes."

"Enough, let's draw a cover, on jealousy and sorrow.
What matters is tomorrow, the past is dead and gone."

"The plot is discovered, the traitress is here!"

Oh,hush up. I know it makes no sense. I pulled some lines out of my Marriage of Figaro libretto, and cracked myself up. Now off with your heads.