Here are some good items I've found lately as I peruse the job boards:

Hair Dressed Needed !

Hello .. Am Just planning to Open a big Hair Dressing Salon a somewhere in Chicago and i need a reliable and decent Stylist that is competent if you feel capable of doing that kindly please get back to soonest.

Cook Needed !

Hello .. Am Just planning to Open a kitchen a somewhere in Chicago and i need a reliable and decent cook that is competent if you feel capable of doing that kindly please get back to soonest.

*************** **************** *************** *****************
Compensation: A $5.00 gift certificate to Starbucks

**************************************************************************************

Broker Trianee

*********************************************************


It was a much needed break that F had no school today. We spent about 5 hours at the zoo. Usually I can handle about 2-3 hours max, due to the crazy crowds, but today we visited the zoo while it was pouring rain. Then the temp dropped and sleet started. No crowds! It was awesome. We had most of the exhibits to ourselves, because there were probably about ten other people there. Including the freaking dolphin show -

You should see how the animals act when they aren't exhausted and mentally taxed by teeming throngs of idiots. They danced for us, we saw synchronized penguin dances, mating was happening everywhere; the zookeepers let us pet the monkeys and ride on the elephants. Oh! What wonderful luck. We discovered a secret door behind Tropic World, and when we pushed it open, we were instantly transported into a magical land where the animals spoke and told us the secrets a very privileged few may know.

Alas, before long we had to return to our everyday, banal lives. We bade the animals a gracious farewell and returned home where we now are cooking lentils and looking through some damn fairy tale book where we have to keep showing our mother every freaking page and won't leave her to her stinking computer after spending 5 straight damn hours at the damn zoo with her.

Enough, Already

Snow's pretty and all, but stop it.

I've been simply brimming with ennui lately. I had my hopes all up for a job I wanted, and I never even got a rejection letter. I even called to follow up, (even after the requisite thank you card), and left a message, and heard NOTHING back. How terribly, terribly rude. I'm beginning to think I should just go take another career assessment test and mull things over for a while.... in bed.

Also, since children can't seem to keep their germs to themselves, I am infected and whiny. I started to get that telltale painful throat yesterday evening. Then all hell broke loose during my sleepless night and my right nostril stopped up and when I did manage to catch a few minutes of sleep, I'd wake myself up with a loud croak/snore.


Want some pitchures? Okay, here:


E bought his New England Patriots hat right before the Super Bowl, poor child.




This one is sick with the flu here. Note the luminescent, feverish glow.




And this nerd took the following pictures:

Zoomy.

Here are some mini felted objects d'art I created yesterday:




And here is the finished mitten, all sewn up and strangely curved:


Plus, I placed it on the very edge of the table, as if to suggest danger. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to read a sense of calamitous foreboding into this photograph. Yesssssssssssss



Lastly, my little pets, here is my foot with toes pointing straight to the lizard's cage:

Me Brain Has Gone and Froze

I've just reached the part of winter where I fall into a dazed, zombie-like existence until the thaw. *Big dramatic sigh*

Since I am still trying to find a job - one that I will actually, really, truly like, (Don't laugh) and as we all know, this endeavor causes me great stress, I decided to take an online career assessment test.

According to the test, these are my options:

• Artist
  
• Historian
  
• Banker
  
• Novelist
  
• University Professor
  
• Photographer
  
• Vet
  
• Paralegal
  
• Graphic Designer
  
• Online Content Developer
  
• Webmaster
  
• Producer
  
• Managing Director
  
• Nutritionist
  
• Advertising
  
• Nursing

I've decided to do all of these things. I'm feeling a bit antsy, so this seems like a perfect solution; off to start my first novel! Or should I start with nursing? Off to change some bed pans!




peeee. esssss. Don't tell mah hubzband whut eye em dewing insted uv gittin uh job.

Unpleasant Things -

-because you love them.



Today I walked into F's school, and was immediately met with a sign that read:

THERE HAS BEEN A CASE OF
HEAD LICE REPORTED IN THE
POLAR BEAR CLASSROOM

ew. That's right next door to F's classroom. I immediately envisioned a row of lice monsters marching over to F's room, up her little pink tights, past her big old forehead and setting up house on her vulnerable little pink scalp. Ew. I remember when we were kids, if someone got head lice it was immediately accepted as a sign that they came from a dirty environment. Clearly, their parents didn't bathe them or take good care of them.

Now it's sort of run of the mill - not so exciting. Sort of on par with getting the flu, only the fever and barfing is replaced by little tiny creatures. Ew. My head itches.


Another bad thing is the movie Atonement. Kath and I decided we needed to go see a sappy, mindless girl movie yesterday, then we saw Atonement. I'm not gonna ruin this movie for anyone by discussing it, but afterwards, K said she wanted to stab herself repeatedly in the eye with a fork, and we made a beeline to the nearest bar.

Something dangerous to do after a couple of chocolate martinis is to go to the book store and have a look in the craft section.

Oh, and here's a picture of Farmer pooing:

Non Stop Creatin'

F and I collaborated on a public sculpture last week and it's garnered a lot of attention.



It's, um, a mixed media piece that accurately expresses how we feel about gender issues in America today.

Oh, we've also been loom knitting.



I have ventured onto my first mittens:





Do you like? They are soooo warm and snugly - really a breeze to knit up in an evening. If anyone would like the pattern, just drop me a line and I'll share! Rilly.


Actually, I did start some mittens. I knitted this first one up during F's dance and swim classes this morning. See? Pinky winky. Gawd I am getting so sick of this fat old fuzzy Lion Thick and Fat Quick yarn.



I plunked down some cold hard cash for a new DA Loom that is adjustable and small gauged and all hand made and lovely looking. I can hardly even wait for it to arrive on my doorstep. Please Lord Jebuz, save me from the fat yarns.

BOOBS

As a stepmother, I reside in that grey area between babysitter and parental-type figure. I can play both roles fairly well, but sometimes alternate between the two at random. (Sorry, A and E).

One of the fun things E and I like to exclaim, to crack each other up, is, "BOOBS"! That's one of my favorite words ever. It's fun to say, and it's so much more preferable than the alternatives. "Breasts" doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, and the word "bosom" makes me want to hurl. It's akin to nails on a chalkboard for me. We don't just say "boobs" in a regular voice, there is a special creepy way it has to spring forth from the back of your throat. Listen:





Delightful, yes?

And here's a good site for boob euphemisms:
http://www.starma.com/penis/cousinmammy/cousinmammy.html


Another thing about boobs is that I hate bra shopping with a passion. I truly loathe it. And don't be nodding your head in agreement out there, because you DON'T UNDERSTAND my plight. I do not fit into a bra size - none of them - they don't make the bra combination that I would fit into. I could lug every single bra from the "Intimate Apparel" department into that tiny, horribly lit dressing room, try each one on, and leave 5 hours later with nary a safe haven for my knockers. That's probably the problem - I'm built like a 12 year old with an adult-sized rib cage. Freakish, I am.

These are what I have settled for for the time being:

Feel free to stare openly at my chest if you ever meet me/or next time you see me. It's like a carnival of fun under my shirt. Hmmmmm.... maybe I'll stuff 'em with terlet paper.


(In keeping with today's theme, F crawled into bed with me this am. She was checking out the freckles on my arm, and said, "ewwwwww. I don't like those big nipples.")

Saturday's Lunchy Poo

C and F and I ate lunch at Poor Phil's Saturday. It's a restaurant connected to Philanders, which is the Carleton Hotel's fancy restaurant. C and I used to get blitzed on Manhattans at Philanders before we were married. It's true. Once we even ate hard boiled eggs at the bar whilst imbibing. It's THAT fancy.

Anyhoo, here are some visual aids so you can feel as though you were right there with us. And for some reason I can't choose my font for this post, so we will use the default Times or whatever serif font it is...

The thing I like about this photo, besides the friendly crab, is that the neon words are actually red, but photographed yellow. woah. nelly.




Here is my newest hat. I have yet to add a couple of cutey pom poms to it, but I think it looks like a hot air balloon.



I tried to make a ruffly edge, based on adding 4 crochet links in between each cast-on link. Next time I will try adding more to accentuate the ruffle, and see how that -

Woah. I was just distracted by looking up at the t.v. and seeing two pumped-up freakish men in some sort of wrestling hold, dangling in mid air from ropes. Yee.


Top view:



Sleepy view:



This was knitted on my green Knifty Knitter loom, with Lion yarn, crochet cast on with attempted ruffle, the rest is e-wrapped. I'm liking learning with the Lion wool-ease thick and quick. It's thick and it's quick.



Caught ya looking at the t.v. "Catching" the old "score" for the "big game" if you know what I mean. Seeing how many "foul balls" the players had if ya catch my drift. Checking out which "rookies" were hitting "home runs". Aw that's rich. I wonder what that woman was eating in the background of this photo?

Here's F's first root beer float ever:



(note C in the background still watching them "knock it out of the park", nudge, nudge.)

Slurpy root beer float face:




Then she spied these:




Then we went home.

Gross Things To Report

I ate food from Burger King today. I feel so very nasty now and I can't even believe that I can feel a few days of my life falling away, never to be reclaimed.



The second disgusting thing, although not as bad as the first, is that I bought meal worms. Freeze dried in a jar. Hundreds of them, and I did it for a little lizard with a big heart, called Elephant.


Hey, little buddy. Bon Appetit.

Let's Talk About Mushrooms

Thanks to John, I just read a really insanely cool article about mushrooms. READ IT.
But then come right back, k?

I enjoyed this for 3.3 different reasons:

1. I got to read something other than craft-related material. This is a big step for my dumb-ass self.

2. I remembered eating mushrooms in college with 2 friends and becoming a complete dopey mess for about 8 hours. Laughing and seeing things in the ceiling and whatnot.

3. There were three phrases from the article I particularly liked and extracted for everyone's benefit:

3.a. "...fleshy, succulent, fragrant, and rich in nutrients."

3.b. "...those slightly mysterious, potentially poisonous denizens of dark, damp places."

I would like to be referred to in either of these 2 ways henceforth. Now here's the best one:

3.c. "But, indeed, I speak to you as a unified composite of microbes."

I can't ask much more from an article, really. Maybe in addition to being Haiku day, Thursdays should be "good phrase day" as well.

In keeping with today's theme, here is a picture I took at our old house in the back yard, after a particularly long stretch of rain.

HAIKU TIME, you greasy, beef-witted foot-lickers!

Button mushrooms suck.
They make me want to vomit,
straight into the air.

New Hat

And here's a new hat, modeled by the lovely F-bomb.



She's jamming something delicious into her face. I experimented with garter stich and stripes and an extremely fancy ribbed brim here. All yarn here is Lion brand thick and wooly or fuzzy yummy thick and super excellent delicious something.

I'm actually working on a new hat that I think mayyyyy turn out sorta kinda cool. I've started it and unraveled it about 5 times so far, so the yarn is all stupid and pilly, but I'm excited to see the finished product. The true test is putting it on F's head to see how it looks on a human. F also has a very large melon. While this is good for my hat-making needs, I'm thinking she may want to consider bangs a permanent part of her "look" as she grows older.

It's not her whole head exactly, just her forehead. It's the one physical trait she has inherited directly from my mother. Sometimes C and I find ourselves staring in disbelief at the size of her forehead. I keep telling him it's a sign of extraordinary intelligence. (Maybe he won't notice the giant bunions she's sure to sprout in about 15 years.)

Crafts I hate and Craffs I loves

Let's imbibe in some craft-bashing. I feel (a little) guilty, because I know all of these things were handmade by somebody, somewhere, so I am just going to assume these folks will never read my blog. Besides, I have tempered my meanness with adding pictures of crafts I love.


These are crafts I am perplexed by:


ME. NO. LIKE. GOURD. ART.



What is this item? I know it's handmade, and I think it's yarn. Plus, it's gonna kill you in your sleep tonight.



Margarita candles! Drink 'em.



Dear god, I hope there isn't really a market out there for beaded bow ties.



yep. It makes me want to jam spoons in my eyes.



More candles! PIES. Pies + candles = pure genius.



I don't know how to respond to this.



The funniest part about these is the wine brands. Me so snooty.



Macrame is back with a vengeance, and who doesn't like a cute, cuddly owl gazing maniacally at you?



And these are crafts I love:


http://lennytaylor.freeyellow.com/Monkey.htm



This ring is gorgeous.



cool button



heart ring



felt gyoza dinner



cool-ass bag



This may be my favorite. Big Foot in space magnet.

Farmer's Secret Life

We arrived home the other day to find Farmer had lost or disposed of her collar. Anyone who co-habitates with a dog knows that this is a rather disturbing situation. The dog actually looks naked, and wild. You immediately panic because you are sure the dog will escape and be lost forever. It's amazing how one little strip of leather can cause such an uproar.

When we couldn't find the collar anywhere inside or out of the house, we scratched our heads until they bled and wondered where the hell the collar had gone. Christian shrugged his shoulders and assumed she had eaten it. I scratched my head a little while longer and then began to wonder what exactly Farmer did around the house when we were away.

We invested $40K in some surveillance cameras and videotaped her for a few days. This is what we found: